On being more independent

Last night, the storm outside was so violent that each time the thunder hit, your entire room trembled in response. You are not afraid of thunderstorms — you never were — but as you lay there in bed wearing nothing but your underwear and an old t-shirt, wrapped in the thin cocoon of your bed covers, you suddenly felt the intense need to be held, to be taken care of, to be loved.

This need made you feel vulnerable, and this vulnerability disappointed you.

You admit to yourself that it is entirely acceptable to enjoy the company of others and that happiness shared is superior to individual happiness, but you begin to wonder if maybe you are too dependent on other beings, or crave more approval than is healthy, or are developing a phobia of being alone. You try desperately to understand why you are incapable of believing in yourself, respecting yourself, and why it is so important to you to impress other people and why their compliments give you more than just a thrill — they sustain you.

You remember the time you mistook one four-lettered word for another — how you heard I need you come out of a boy’s mouth and how you thought he meant I love you. You think about how you plan your day around everyone else’s and how you will not find fault in anyone who does not find fault in you.

“No,” is the most unused word in your vocabulary, you realize. But is one syllable really that difficult to pronounce?

You vow to grow into yourself, to become the independent person that is inside you. You refuse to rely on validation from others and assure yourself that you have no reason to be insecure. You look at yourself in the mirror — you look into your eyes, ignoring the birthmark on your right cheek. You might even concede that without it, you wouldn’t be you. You trust in yourself, you trust in yourself completely, from what is skin-deep to what is being protected by your skull to the heart that keeps you alive.

You can’t wait for the next time there is a thunderstorm. You can’t wait to run outside and let the rain wash your doubts into the sewers, to talk back to the thunder, and to let the lightening be your spotlight.

-B.